Reflections on Rachel

Craig wants me to post something right now, but I'm not feeling very motivated. I spent about 2 hours in Walmart this afternoon grocery shopping, buying winter pj's for Rachel and aimlessly wandering around. I was SO scatter-brained. "Heather acting scatter-brained?! NEVER!!" I know that's what you're all thinking. No, really I have been way more scatter-brained lately, and don't know why. I would go down the aisles and half way thru forget why I was there. Any ideas why? I know I'm not pregnant yet but I'm open to theories.

Rachel's 5th birthday is today!! I can't believe it, I feel so old. Thankfully, I'll never be as old as Craig (by 10days:) She's not a baby any more, she looks like a little kid and likes Barbie and Polly Pocket and Candyland. Where did my little baby go? Today has brought me to reflect on what's been going on my life in the last 5 years. I started out being married, then went thru a yucky divorce and did the single parent thing. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could've been but was still tough. Then, Craig came into my life and everything has been so much better. But still, where did all that time go? I'm starting to realize what an age difference there'll be btwn Rachel and our next baby. It'll be like starting over, but not quite as bad because I already have stretch marks and my hubby will give more support. Rachel will be like an only child though she'll have siblings which is kinda weird but logical. There will always be a special place in my heart for her because she helped me thru the darkest parts of the last 5 years without knowing it. There's the special kind of guilt that I have for being gone so much when she was so little although my mom took care of her while I was at work. I have the inner struggles with being a divorced parent-is she comparing me to her dad when she's with me? How much quality time is she getting with me as opposed to over there? I know these kinds of questions aren't fair because when she's with her dad, it's not all day every day. If I just played with her all day nothing would get done around the house. The situations at his and my houses are very different but still hard not to think about sometimes.

It's time to go, I've written my thoughts of the day down and the last piece of chocolate satin pie is waiting for me. I'm going to try to put pictures up this week so stay tuned. Until then, party on dudes!